i'm planning on heading home after work today for the long weekend (monday is labour day in canada). it's a 9hr drive and i'm feeling pretty spaced out right now from the drugs i've been taking for the sore throat/cough/cold that hit me on tuesday. at least i'm not going alone: a friend and her boyfriend are riding with me.

despite my negative post about the weekend i did actually enjoy the white-water rafting but things could have been so much better...

sometimes i really hate myself. i wish i was outgoing instead of shy. i wish i always knew what to say (i'd settle for knowing what to say even part of the time.) i am the social equivalent of a chameleon...not because i adapt myself to the people around me, but because nobody notices me, nobody remembers me and no one would notice if i wasn't there. i'm really upset with myself right now because this past weekend i met her again. the girl i met a couple of weeks ago on the west coast. i should have been talking to her, getting to know her better, instead i hardly talked to her at all and when i was with her i couldn't think of anything to say. she's still coming out here in a couple weeks for maybe five days before she heads back to belgium unless she changes her mind but any chance i had to be someone she cared about is gone. i've messed up. the worst part is, if i had it to do all over again i don't know what i would do differently. i can't change the fact that i'm quiet and shy. i can't change the fact that i didn't have anything to say. quite frankly i don't think there's any hope for me. is there?

i suck. i really do. more later.

a bunch of us are going camping and whitewater rafting near golden this weekend. it should be lots of fun.

relief: the initial tug of your parachute on your first skydive.

is it any less silly to be typing to oneself versus talking to oneself?

hmm...lest you believe me to be a complete loser hopelessly desiring a girl i should maybe tell you that we have actually talked and exchanged a couple of emails. communication is made a little difficult due to the fact that she is travelling right now.

as usual i really have nothing to say. i still think about you-know-who often. i should be seeing her this weekend when we go whitewater rafting. we'll see how things go...

i fell 3000 feet from an airplane yesterday and survived...with a little help from a parachute. skydiving is an incredible experience. i was more nervous during the training (7 hours of it) than i was once we got into the little cessna and took off. once i let go of the wing there was no time to feel fear before i felt the reassuring tug of the parachute. with the chute open it felt more like flying. people probably don't realize how controllable today's modern chute is. i will be going again as soon as i can.

on my way to skydiving so if i never post again...

work has been very intense this week. i've been doing a lot of complicated design work for a new project. i like it: it's challenging but it's also draining. friday cannot come soon enough.

oops. sorry about the ugly test posts that were showing up earlier. i was testing out userland's free radio software and its new mail-to-blogger functionality. this is all possible because evan williams has published an xml-rpc api for posting to a blogger blog. back to our regularly scheduled programming.

earlier i hung up the phone with mixed feelings. i called her. the nice girl i met out west i mean. i'm not sure what to think, or rather, i'm not sure what she thinks of me. it is the age old problem i suppose: i have difficulties deciphering what members of the opposite sex are thinking. figuring out what a girl from my own country is thinking when she's standing in front of me is a challenge. this becomes more challenging when talking over the phone with no visual cues to help out. it becomes even more difficult when the girl is from a foreign land and next to impossible when english is not her mother tongue. so here i am...wondering, worrying. time will reveal the answers but i don't feel patient right now.

now i'm all depressed because she hasn't called or emailed. i guess i'm pathetic.

some details from last week's trip. we had a great time although things were rather wet the first four days. monday, tuesday and wednesday were beautiful though. went ocean kayaking on monday for the first time. tuesday we explored victoria's inner harbour. wednesday we hung out in vancouver until it was time to catch our flight back. oh and most importantly...i met a very nice girl that i'm anxiously waiting to hear from again...

$1600 later and the car saga is over. i hope. we would all save so much money if we didn't need vehicles. maybe i should move to europe.

well i'm back from holidays on the west coast. had a great time. now i'm trying to get back into the work groove again. more later.